Paul Earl Miller of Rotterdam, NY and student of SUNY Delhi was found murdered yesterday as he was found propped up against a wall with a bag tied over his head. This marks the 41st death in a string of murders dating back to when antichrist Sean Frederick last walked the halls of Delhi acting like a brain-dead moron. Further inspection revealed common house pepper to have been rubbed in his eyes and hair. That was not the strangest clue in the case however as there was close to 3 dollars found in the deceased's lap. The origin of the money is as yet unidentified.

The FBI failed to comment on the case or any possible leads. Agent Dale Cooper only had one thing to say: "You must understand that we at the FBI are doing all that we can to find the culprit involved with the death of Paul Miller. Using ancient Tibetan techniques I have discovered that it is someone that was close to him...or not. We are working around the clock to figure out who the murderer is...mmmm...this pie is fantastic!"

Perhaps the most telling clue was the letter "B" found lodged under Paul Miller's fingernail. Agent Cooper revealed earlier in the day that the letter "B" coupled with other letters found on other victims spelled a heinous word or name: ADMIRAL BUTTHEAD'S. It is obvious whoever murdered Paul Miller is not only a cold blooded killer but also has bad taste in names.

Paul grew up in Rotterdam NY, with his parents Paul and Gail and his sister Hollie. His siblings were at a party and were unavailable for comment. Paul Miller's only known achievement throughout his mysterious life is that he once hit his cousin John Miller across the face with a baseball bat. "The fucker! I'm glad he's dead!" said John Miller, one of many suspects involved in the case.

Services will be held on Saturday somewhere along Route 90, as Paul's wishes were that he be spread along a fifty mile stretch of road then pissed on repeatedly; or so says John Miller. This is contrary to the report that Paul wished to have his ashes placed into a cannon at the Pirates of the Carribean ride in Disney World at Orlando, FL. and fired while people saluted. The controversy continues...

-ASSociated Press