OSWEGO, NY -- Saturday morning the city of Oswego hailed its trio of hero cops for halting what could have been a deadly rash of cursing late Friday night.

If it wasn't for the quick thinking of Patrolman Tullio Viscante, a rash of seriously rude verbatives may have been uttered through the vast innocent little hamlet of Oswego. Ptl. Viscante had this to say outside Oswego Police Dept. Saturday morning:

"Well, it was late at night and I was over my friends, Sally and Ally's house exchanging Snickerdoodle recipes, (which are really quite tasty when you mix both Sally and Ally's recipes together,) when all of a sudden I hear this horrible cussing." At this point Ptl. Viscante put his hands over his ears as if to protect them from the verbal evil he heard the night before. "...it was the most horrible muttering of swearing I had ever heard! I knew if I didn't act fast the Quality of Life could've sustained a critical wound. Thanks to my overly irrational behavior I was able to take a situation that could have gotten bad and was able to reroute onto a whole other path of horrendousness!"

It was when Ptl. Viscante approached the horrendous "Quality of Life" offenders that he was about to arrest Paul Earl Miller, A man originally thought to have been murdered by Elian Gonzalez months ago. Many questions have arisen in light of the discover of an "alive and well" Paul Miller. Of course this detail went far over Ptl. Viscante's head much like simple mathematics and social skills in general.

"The one thing I do remember about the perp...aside from choking him and breaking his friend's fingers, was the fact that he had really big, sexy wrists...I just wanted to suck on them for hours!"

The friend Ptl. Viscante referred to was known High School Arsonist and grunge rock enthusiast Eric Reisenger. Reisenger has been known to swear with Paul Miller in the past and has engaged in what Ptl. Viscante referred to in utter horror as "the consumption of alcoholic beverages".

The duo of disaster was released later that night while a drunken Paul Miller pantomimed still being handcuffed to the cheers of other officers. "He should be a part of the Maumenshanz group...you know...those guys the make faces with their arms. He's amazing!" Raved Patrolwoman Breitenstein.

Paul Miller later disappeared into the shadows once again...narrowly avoiding the FBI and Colonel Decker who was been chasing Paul and Eric since the first were rumored to be sexually involved. Authorities had no comment as to whether or not they enjoyed Cheese Danishes.

Post-arrest festivities to honor Ptl. Viscante and his fellow heroes were held at the Woodshed Tavern where there was plenty of NA on tap. Then Snickerdoodles were said to be quite remarkable.

-ASSociated Press